I won’t call it a bad day because it was anything but that, but it was cloudy for a bit. My day started off well and easy. I made breakfast for my grandma who isn’t as independent as she used to be and it was good. Then plans changed and the day didn’t go as smoothly as I would have liked and I got delayed more and now was running into rush hour traffic in Indianapolis and was only supposed to arrive at my destination 9 minutes before they closed. Any time I gained by pushing my chances to get pulled over for speeding I would loose to some traffic bottle neck. I was stressed about wasting half a day for nothing and the fuel for the trip. Nothing big but I take pride in getting stuff done in a timely manner. I was getting fed up with traffic too on top of it. Luckily, I made it to my destination in time and was able to get my task done. Google Maps said my return trip was delayed 26+ minutes for an accident so I opted for the scenic route which only added another 17 minutes but was alot less stressful. On the way back I was passing all this Indiana farm country which I really do love and found it sad to see every wetland drained for a field which has a massive house on about 2 acres of yard with maybe a garage for an out building and no animals. I really wish they would just move to a small town and leave the country to those who want to be a part of the land. A darkness was approaching me, and than I saw on facebook a post that reminded that me a few years back a friend had lost to the darkness. I’ve been blessed beyond measure in so many ways and all of them have helped me become a very happy and fulfilled person. That not to say there hasn’t been times that have been darker than others but, I found my happiness in the natural world, the dangerous wild places, the challenges physically and mentally, and I have found good food, with good friends and family helps to round it out. I am one of the lucky ones.
I remember talking to my friend once in awhile about all the amazing things I was discovering and how awesome it was in Wyoming. He would complain about work and I would invite him out west. I could sense he liked the sound of it and was sure he would be happier out here. He would say “I wish I could but I can’t”. I never understood until after I found out those conversations would never take place again what he was saying. It struck me as odd that someone would say they cant chase what they seemed to want for themselves, and which brought me such joy. I’ve been lucky to have not lost anyone super close to me yet (my time will come) but this loss struck me more because I really do want the best for others and I feel like this loss was supposed to tell me something.
I’m still understanding it more all the time. I’ve realized when I myself have had a darkness come over me that I can’t shake, to feel lonely, to feel hopeless. For me, they have all been fleeting moments, it seems. Since I’ve moved West, I have found more and more how much I love the mountains, the fields, the challenges, the danger, the hard work, learning new skills, paying attention, being disconnected from the modern world, the animals, being present, the sunrises, and on and on.
I’ve also come to find out things that make me better, and it’s a shame to not share that with others. Today while I was driving back I reflected on how much the hustle and bustle of the city life feels to suffocate me, how the phone seems to distract me from what makes life better, how much life can make us feel forsaken. And it struck me when I read the post on his girlfriends facebook that could have been me, and that he could have found the same joy I did I those open spaces that we are in danger of loosing to modern development, the wild animals are loosing habitat to that. I felt today more than ever that there are people that need to see the awesomeness in the world because it will be not just a candle in the dark but the very sunrise that so many of us never take the time out of our busy modern life to see. So stop and take some time to watch a sunrise.
The drive on country back roads and the thoughts I had brought me back into the sunshine…I will work towards sharing this sunrise with others! Now go see the damn sunrise instead of looking at Facebook.